so....if this post gets long winded don't say i didn't warn you...cuz it's going to be. for the record, i hate doing big, broad posts like this as it isn't very in depth on any one thing. i may or may not at a later date write about some of these things a bit more. i like deep things, ya know.
the past two-ish months have been a roller coaster of thoughts, emotions, adventures, hard things, bad days, stress, sickness, diabetes confusion, hard family times, sad happenings and just general "blah-ness"
don't get me wrong, there have been good things, exciting changes, RAIN!, new happenings, and joy in trials. but overall its been a rough couple months.
some of the low points have been:
- my dad lost his job. his contract with the army wasn't renewed so he has been looking for work, though unsuccessful thus far...he is trying not to be discouraged but you can tell its wearing on he and mom and that makes things hard all the way around. men are made to provide, to support their family and when that comes to a standstill it is stressful. not to mention the fact that there is a large family, two farms, bills, etc and none of that stops just because you don't have an income. but i must say, God is faithful in all things and He has been providing in unexpected ways. i just wish a job would come sooner rather than later for papa's sake.
- my car officially is no more and sky's car is on the blink. makes it a bit hard to go too far without a car and as adventurous as hitchhiking sounds i don't know as i am up for that kind of adventure.
....the mechanic said it would be about $1800 to fix mine and even then it could go out at anytime..*RIP Veruca..you have been a faithful mode of transportation...even if you were ugly as sin..* - i made the hard decision to sell my dairy goat herd. after 13 years of raising some wonderful, quality lamancha dairy goats, i am now down to three does, and they are leaving next week. i am not letting myself think about it too much, otherwise it might just 'do me in'. i love my girls but with the drought, hay and feed are just too much. with dad out of work and me with my hours cut (see below) there just wasn't any good ways to justify keeping them. i have worked hard to find the best homes i could for them though. often sacrificing what they are worth, money wise, so that they could go to families that will love them like i do. one of my very dear friends took the handful of favorites that i just could not bear to sell and that helped my heart greatly!
it's going to be a strange first year without the craziness that is raising goats. no planning, recording and prepping for breeding this fall, no watching bellies grow through the winter, seeing babies kicking inside huge mamma's, no watching my sweet girls peek their heads out and look at the ice and snow this winter, no more laughing at Ginger hopping from dry patch to dry patch because she WILL NOT get her feet muddy, no more middle of the night checks for laboring does, no more stressful moments of pulling kids and great sighs of relief when said kid is born and all is well, no more watching babies take their first steps and butt around for a teat to nurse on, no more "ping ping ping" of steaming milk splashing into a cold pail, and no more friends in the pasture. its going to take some getting used to for sure. but it will be nice to not deal with stress of sick animals and cost, to be able to go away without having to figure out what to do with the goats and who can care for them. it will be a nice break....once i get over the initial shock of not seeing goats grazing in the field for the first time in 13 years.. - singleness is not all its cracked up to be. and its been a harder pill to swallow the past few months. to be honest, i am not content. *gasp!* i know..i know...i know.. i know all the antidotes that are said for such statements but honestly i don't care. it's not like i am going to rush out to the nearest bar and marry the first man i see. not even close! it's simply that i know i am not called to singleness and i am ready for the next chapter of life to start. especially when at one point, it seemed like it was almost in my reach. but it wasn't. i am thankful for such trials of the heart that bring you to depend on the Lord just that much more. He has been teaching me and i can say i have been taking those lessons to heart. i know He is preparing both my future spouse and myself and i am thankful....i just wouldn't mind if he hurried up!
- diabetes has been a royal pain. ok, so in the past 15 years its hard to remember a time when it wasn't a pain but its been EVEN MORE so the past few weeks. throwing me curves left and right. and if you know me, you know anything having to do with balls is not my forte. A1C is up .1 since last time, which isn't awful but still discouraging.
not to mention i have had a WEEK of unexplained ketones. when i say unexplained i mean i was spilling ketones when my bg was 89!!!! and for a whole week! i used more ketone strips in that week then i have in the 15 years i have had diabetes! frustrating thing is that all 4 of the doctors i saw or spoke with were just as baffled. i am on day three of not having any and i am happy. i was really feeling crappy! one good thing that came out of that whole thing is that i now have a new endo team and they are AMAZING! (whole separate blog post but both the endo and his wife, who is the diabetes nurse educator, have type 1 diabetes. BOTH! THEY TOTALLY GET IT! i met with the nurse educator ( who is also a d-blogger) yesterday and wanted to cry i was so happy) - my body failed me once again with another likely diagnosis. this time one of PCOS or poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. crap. oh these moral bodies...it just makes me long even more for heaven. i am still sorting out how i feel about this..i have some serious health and lifestyle changes i need to make now so that i can live long and prosper for a long time. but its so dang hard! but this too will be another post when i sort out my feelings on it. diabetes really does effect every area of your life in one way or another.
- i am in desperate need of a change of pace. an adventure. something! anyone have any ideas? i am totally open to just about anything. to quote my dear Jo from Little Woman "I love my home but I am just so fretful and I can't stand being here!"
- my work hours are dwindling at a rapid pace. see also: I NEED A FULL TIME JOB! once again, if you have any ideas, job openings, millions of dollars you want to give me..i am open.
- stress in electronic form. my mom's van transmission when out, her laptop with years of pics, documents, school plans, EVERYTHING (we call it her brain if that tells you anything) crashed and fried the motherboard all in the same week. the van was fixed (read:expensive) and mom's pc is being worked on to get every thing off but wow, that was a stressful few days at our house.
- was turned down from the hospital job. bummer! big one.
- school has yet to start. with all that has been going on i have not been devoting time to studying like i want to. i feel SO behind and i hate that. my friends are taking mid-terms already and i have not even taken any classes....
- my computer is not working right. its making tutoring classes each morning stressful and interesting...hope to get it in as soon as i have funds.
so i think those are the bigger things that i remember right now. there is much more that i could write. things that i have been thinking, dealing with in my heart and head, scheming, battling and praying about. but my eyes are starting to close and my bed is calling. ( so is some ice cream and while you were sleeping or princess bride. oh and agatha is wanting some cuddle time since i left her at home all day!)
thank you for understanding, friends. thank you for praying for me and my family and for all the love and support you pour out. i love you all dearly.
Philippians 4:13-I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
peace, love and diabetes!
shay
shay-
ReplyDeleteyikes! i am so sorry that you have been going through such a hard time lately. i will pray for you and your family, my friend.
you can always come visit me for an adventure! :)
remember, you are not alone, and you can do this! <3
Wow! You really have been going through a lot.
ReplyDeleteI will keep you and your family in my prayers. I think there are a few other in the DOC with PCOS who should be able to help you with advice and support.
Sometimes it helps just to get it all out, so don't be afraid to tweet, talk, or write when things are feeling rough!
thank you for letting me get all this off my chest and for such sweet comments, Jess and Sara. *hugs*
ReplyDelete@sara-i will have to start asking around and see what who i can find. my doctor said more and more PCOS and diabetes are going hand in hand so i am sure there are others. research has begun. also, thanks for the reminder to tweet, talk and write. i forget how nice it feels to sort things out this way. :)
@jess thanks for your prayers and yes! a visit would be a perfect adventure. :)
Ugh, I hear you Shay. I've been craving an adventure too. I know that going away won't make the things I don't like about my life disappear, but that doesn't keep me from daydreaming over Helpx.net like crazy.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of hugs and prayers!
Girl, you have been through the wringer! There is nothing wrong with facing that reality in the face. Your honesty is refreshing - much better than a fake, sugar-filled, bubble-gum pink, EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!!!! post.
ReplyDeleteKeep clinging to the Lord.
Dr. Pliego at Scott and White in Temple is the best reproductive endocrinologist around, just fyi. Also, we have a spare bedroom if you ever just want to get away and think for a spell :)
ReplyDelete